I had to read the PHART report.
They are the Proper Horrible Authority for Recreational Tunnelling, though.
They literally have “Horrible” right there in the name.
Seriously.
I walked up to the report.
I lifted it up.
I put it down.
I flipped it open…
… and immediately closed it.
But… I had opened it.
And I, Dr Splatterjacket, am not afraid of anything or anyone.
(Except a report that shuts down my mine. So unfortunately, this was a particularly difficult situation.)
But I had to be brave. So I opened the report and began to read.
“Dear Dr Splatterjacket,
PHART would like to let you know that we are extremely impressed with your mine. It is really very good and we only see two problems, and we really looked really hard.
Problem 1 – You have some sudden holes that have appeared which people could fall into quite a bit, and you don’t have safety warnings around them. This means anyone, for example a robot who is dancing with their eyes closed, could easily fall into one.
Problem 2 – You have some sections of the mine that are quite dark and we think it would be really cool if you could sort that out and maybe even play some music there.
Many thanks,
Jenny”
That was it.
Seriously?
That.
It.
Was it?
That?
I immediately grabbed 73 SafeSounds and charged into the mine.
What is a SafeSound? It’s a modern smart speaker with a nightlight built right in. It would instantly solve Problem 2… light and music, thank you very much.
Now, the only big issue was the sudden holes. But I quickly asked the German miners to develop a system to place warning signs anywhere they found one.
They immediately agreed, saying: “Das ist ein lächerlicher Plan.” Which, if you don’t speak German, means:
“That is an amazing plan. Was it invented by someone who likes to lick things a lot?”
I don’t know why they think licking is such a big deal. But that’s just the way their language works.
With that in place, I contacted Jenny and asked her to return to the mine.
Note to self: Should I provide cake and bunting?
Or does that assume the mine will definitely be reopened?
(And if it isn’t… who gets the cake?)
