After watching Zargoid 5’s amazing collection of holiday photographs which he had stored on his trusty TagVault I decided to give him a tour of my mine. Now that he was an investor it seemed only polite. Also, he had casually mentioned wanting a tour of my mine 132 times before breakfast.
We strolled from cavernous room to cavernous room, avoiding pools of liquid magma here, admiring giant diamonds poking out of the ceiling there. Zargoid 5 casually asked if I had considered extracting the diamonds and selling those to raise funds. I couldn’t believe what he was asking. What a ridiculous idea! Those diamonds reflected the light from the molten lava in amazing ways and made the mine really cool to look at. On what planet would I sell them? HELLO? I mean what is the point of having a really cool mine to the centre of the earth if it doesn’t have mega sparkly diamonds sticking out of it?
In one of the lower chambers we encountered one of my German mining crew, he said, “Weiter vorne kann es zu einem Leck von Schwefelsäuregas kommen. Vorsicht!” and coughed quite a lot. In case you don’t understand German I think he meant, “I have asthma and quite a lot of hair in my nostrils so I can’t breathe properly and that’s why I’m spluttering and coughing so much”. I mean just looking by looking at him you’d realise the hairy nostrils part, and he did seem to be wheezing and coughing 7.3 more times than average.
Zargoid 5 had an alternative theory about a Sulphuric Acid Gas leak but having checked that my guest doesn’t breathe air, I decided not to be that worried about so called “alternative theories”. Luckily, I also had the perfect solution for my German colleague. I immediately passed him my latest invention… WheezyTweezers.
WheezyTweezers are a sleek, pocket-sized device combining an asthma inhaler and precision nasal hair tweezers. One end features a modern ergonomic inhaler mouthpiece with a metallic finish, while the other end has retractable, stainless-steel tweezers with a protective cap. This miner could first remove all that excess nasal hair and then give himself a blast or three of asthma inhaler (after checking with his Doctor about the appropriateness of such things – luckily for him I am his Doctor) and he’d be back in tip top breathing condition before you know it.
While I was handing over the WheezyTweezers and explaining its features to the man, Zargoid 5 seemed a little distracted, and had opened a flap somewhere under his armpit and there was a sound like a vacuum cleaner whooshing and sucking that seemed to be pulling some of the air into his body. On the other side of his body, out of his other armpit, some different air was blowing and whooshing out. I didn’t like to comment on my guest’s bodily function, but with all the noise, I imagine he didn’t really get a full handle on the features of the WheezyTweezers, but I suppose being a robot he was very unlikely to need them. Once all his fans stopped and he put his arms down he said in German, “Ich habe das Leck neutralisiert”. Which, if you don’t speak German means something like, “I think you will be very happy with the WeezyTweezers”. The German mining man seemed very pleased and strolled off to presumably to de-hair and re-air his entire head.
Do you ever Wheeze and need to Tweeze at the same time? Of course you do, so get WheezyTweezers today!
Note to self: Inspired by Zargoid 5’s armpit vacuum, maybe consider adding a vacuum to the next iteration of WheezyTweezers? It could clear out earwax too.
