With my trusty SawPack on my back I hopped on the hanglider and immediately flew to Zargoid 5’s formerly secret lair in the Sahara desert. I needed to rescue Dennis, and I needed to do something about my money troubles.
As I entered the mine Zargoid 5 raised his arms and stretched them out. Again, he looked like he was preparing to put his arms around me and presumably crush me to death. I carefully avoided being almost certainly squished by stooping down to tie the laces on my shoe. It was only then that I remembered that I was wearing Shocks so of course there are no laces. Luckily Zargoid 5 didn’t notice and I was able to pretend instead that I had merely been interested in doing a small lunge exercise.
I immediately got on with the task of accusing Zargoid 5 of stealing Dennis from me. “You stole Dennis from me,” I said. It seemed the most efficient way of getting the point across. Zargoid 5 said that he hadn’t and so I left it at that. I didn’t know who had Dennis anymore, and that made me feel something I don’t usually feel. Sad. So, I decided to cheer myself up by telling Zargoid 5 that I was going to get to the centre of the Earth first, Zargoid 5 said that he was going to get to the centre of the Earth first and we had quite an argument about it.
Of course, Zargoid 5 didn’t know that I might be about to run out of money, and I didn’t want him to know either, but I also didn’t really want to run out of money as that would mean he really would get to the centre of the Earth first and then he would have won the argument. So as not to tip him off I casually asked Zargoid 5 if he might have a spare $1 billion dollars to invest in my latest invention, the TrendBed.
Now you might be wondering exactly what a TrendBed is. It is a fully functioning bed with a built-in high-definition smart screen embedded in the headboard. The bed features integrated Wi-Fi connectivity, a surround sound system, and ambient lighting that adjusts based on mood. If you want to browse social media, video call your pet gerbil, or watch trending content on the built-in screen all while getting ready to go to sleep then the TrendBed is ideal.
Now I will mention that having this much screen time right before you attempt to sleep is not 100% recommended by leading doctors (but are they really leading in comparison to me? The answer is no). And I will say that since switching to the TrendBed I have accumulated quite considerable bags under my eyes, but I also know all about the latest trends to do with stopping getting bags under your eyes (for reference the leading trend in this area is a good night’s sleep).
Do you need to keep up with trends even at the expense of a decent night’s sleep? Of course you do. Can you really sleep without knowing that if a really important message on social media happens your bed won’t automatically read it out to you in your sleep waking you up? Of course you can’t. You need TrendBed today.
I explained this to Zargoid 5 and he mentioned that he already had one in his spare room, and that if I wanted to I could stay the night there and it should feel just like home. So, I took him up on the offer and as it had been a very long day I spent just 6 more hours on the internet on the TrendBed before finally falling asleep. The last message I saw on the mining message group before I fell asleep was from somebody asking about how to keep their bored pet gerbil entertained. I had some good ideas about that which I thought about as I fell asleep.
Note to self: Consider adding a dedicated Gerbil entertainment module to the TrendBed, it could be called CardTube.
